Ducque's Eye View

The Ducque

Quarantine Rules

April 2020

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Well, mostly the worst. But hey a Ducque's gotta laugh, doesn't she?

I knew I was in a pandemic frenzy when I strolled into my local grocery store and as I headed for the carts an old lady started to writhe in her tracks and screamed at me, both arms pushing back into the 7 feet of air between us, "Stay away from me. 6 feet away. Please!!! Don't come any closer." At least she said please. I said, "Sure," as I wondered why 6 is this magic number. If I was 5 feet, 11 inches away would she drop dead on the spot? I grasped my wipe from home in case she attacked.

It was eerily quiet inside of McKays even though the parking lot was full. I watched the silent dance as peeps carefully avoided one another, backtracking, choosing the aisles in which they shopped not by their lists, but by the lack of humans inside them. There was a line at the cheese, exactly 6 feet between us in the line-up waiting the opportunity to inspect Kraft vs the hateful Tillamook, Swiss vs provolone and the sharp, medium, smoked and light cheddars competing for attention.

After carefully sanitizing the handle I opened the refrigerator door. Another customer spying my box of wipes in my open purse offered me a dollar for one. "Are you crazy, do you think I want your filthy money?" I thought. I said , "Sure."

And so I journeyed throughout the store trying to remember the quarantine rules navigating in what I thought was 6 feet increments. My ex used to tell me his 5'9" height was 6 feet. Mmmm, maybe I'm 3 inches to closer to all of these potential carriers. What now? Occasionally a ruthless, likely suicidal, hooligan would infringe on my bubble by a few feet and I would startle.

After one such trespass I looked up and beheld an old friend I hadn't seen in forever. My arms longed to hug, but I knew better than to touch. We chatted what I guessed to be 3 feet away from each other, but was probably 2 feet, 11 1/2 inches. It was nice but I wondered if the virus knew that catching up shouldn't count as contagious.

It is a crazy time we are living in. Never had I been so spent after simply buying groceries. We need quarantine rules to establish order:

1. Use this time to train yourself in a new career as an Alcohol and Drug counselor. We will need a lot when things normalize.

The new "it's 5:00 somewhere" is Quarantined ruled ... "it's ok to drink Tia Maria in your morning coffee as long as you say "Quarantine Rules" as you pour.

Champagne is appropriate to celebrate every day you don't have the virus ....... as long as you say "Quarantine Rules".

For every week of social isolation you are allowed to double your daily limit of your the addiction of your choice ........ as long as you say "Quarantine Rules"

2. Take up a hobby to hold your crazy. Such as.......Painting.

Ducque Painting

...... as long as you say "Quarantine Rules"

3. Or Poetry

There was an old man named Mongo
Who when quarantined started to go Bongo
He played on his drum
With just his thumb
To keep bandon.tv viewers from doing Wrongo

As long as they said
While stuck home in bed
There are new schools
And quarantine rules
If you don't want to wake up dead.....

...... as long as you say "Quarantine Rules"


Quarantine Rules

...... as long as you say "Quarantine Rules"

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